Step by Step

I went to New York for my brother’s wedding. I flew out on Thursday evening, attended the wedding on Friday, then flew home Saturday night — my goal being to spend as little time in the US as possible. In the one day I was there, I managed to get terrible food poisoning which took me out for a week upon my return. Now, immediately after, I caught a cold. I find it woefully ironic how eager I’ve been to never return to the US, only to go for a single day and end up in such a sorry state. Nevertheless, I have a life to live, and I will live it: one step at a time.

First is reinvigorating my writing group. One of my friends recently moved to a very nice space and offered to let us hold our meetings there. I arranged with my members, and we had our first meeting at her place yesterday which went beautifully; we plan to continue meeting there moving forward.

Second is a new place of my own. Last month, I was out with someone at an ice cream shop. I happened to be talking about renting a space when the woman sitting next to us overheard and asked if I was looking for a place to rent. I said yes, and long story short, she gave me her info, I told my friend who checked it out with me the next day, and that was that. A complete miracle out of the blue: a renovated, fully-furnished, spacious apartment in the perfect location downtown for a very good price. I move on Thursday, and I am very excited to be free from my dreadful situation (my landlord messaged me yesterday that the new towel she must buy will come out of my deposit — god forbid her new towel be anything but sparkly white).

Third is my focus on myself. I stopped working so much, down to 140 hours last month. I’ve been using the time to read, write, and study languages better. I’ve added Russian back to the mix for better or worse, making for Icelandic, Finnish, Slovak, and Russian in all. It’s a lot, but I’ve enjoyed it. Even if it takes a number of years to truly learn anything in addition to Icelandic, I figure it will be quite worth it.

There are still many areas I find lacking in my life. However, I feel like moving to this new space with my friend will change everything. I’ve been living in a prison cell (in a prison) for the past ten months. At long last, I’ll have the couch I’ve been dreaming of — where I can sit and read. In peace. And a desk where I can sit and write. In peace. In addition to easy access to all of downtown’s amenities. I trust that I can begin addressing the remaining issues one by one.

Other activities are starting up for me. A friend is going to start consistent gatherings for games, starting tomorrow. My friend group has finally started consistent activities, starting with a hike we did on Sunday; we plan to go out on adventures every two weeks or so. My friend wants to do a housewarming party once we move, then his friends are going to come to Iceland to visit this month. And my usual library and now philosophy groups are continuing on.

This would be where I say that I feel good, but honestly, I don’t feel good at all. Too much has happened too fast for any of this to impact me positively. The new place will help my mood considerably, of that, I am certain. For now, it’s simply a matter of surviving until the move is complete. I’ve also been bothered by the idea of “success.” I wrote about that before: how we discussed it in the philosophy group. Now I’m left endlessly asking myself what it is I even want. I really don’t know.

The simplest answer is that I want to write and make art. But I’m neither writing nor making art. I write, just not my grand visions. I make art, just nothing that represents what I truly wish to express. Another issue on my mind is that of the times: I want to go back to the pre-technological age where I can walk outside, surrounded by other humans, all living our lives which are so intricately intertwined and interdependent. There is no “need” for another person in this world. So everyone goes alone, face glued to their screen. I could write a lot on that idea.

I’ve been thinking of my friends who are now gone. I miss having so many of them around. I’m left with fond memories of them, but the chances I’ll ever see them again are nearly zero. Nor would I expect seeing them again to be quite the same. Rather, I’m left wondering who and what will come next. The girl I started the writing group with, for example, that situation simply “happened.” Now that group has become the foundation of my social life: where I make friends and build connections. It inspired the philosophy group’s creation. It brought my entire workplace together. I’m waiting for the person to show up now who reads the same books as me so we can start a reading group or something like that. Or whatever else may come my way.

In other news, I saw my roommate again as a rare occasion. I said hi to her, and she glared at me and stormed past.

Here is a small excerpt from my recent poetry I’ve been doing for my writing group:

…I looked into her eyes and saw the reflection of the sun. Whose setting lines reflected her flames. And into them I gazed as the light died away. And in darkness, I felt her grasp. So came the chill of the night. In the cold, I could hold no longer.

My fault I realized far too late. As I called out to the silence whose darkness bid me mockery. To stand so close yet be so far, to let time run its course. So I called out to the night who bore no moon. Until the sun rose on empty land. Who blossomed flowers that bore no beauty. Whose heat bore no warmth. Until as surely as came the day, the sun did set again. As no longer could I call. And in the silence of the night, I listened:

“The sun shall shine again one day, but only if you choose to stay. To bear this darkness you have wrought. To lose the hope that you have sought. To look unto the darkened sky and ask yourself the reasons why. In the day, it was not the sun that shone. It was the beauty of the seeds that your efforts had sewn. So when the darkness seems too vast, reach out your hand that it be held fast.”

And into the darkness, I did reach. And from the shadows was I met. Until the night became again the day. And the sun did shine so ever bright. And the beauty of the setting sun was none but a reflection.

To conclude my random collection of thoughts for today, I want to point out that nobody knows what they’re saying or doing. I’ve received so much bad advice and information recently, but I know how to filter it all out. What’s most important is understanding that while people speak from experience as well as from their hearts, if it doesn’t sound right or doesn’t “fit,” then it doesn’t matter who says it, it may not be right (for you, or at all). I have older friends. I have younger friends. Both make mistakes. Sometimes, both are in exactly the same life situations. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The only people I would blindly trust are those who are truly, genuinely happy with their lives. I don’t know a single person who is truly, genuinely happy.