To Be

14.10.24

*Scene: Dumont is pacing back and forth in his home, to which he left the door open. Jean is stopping by to deliver bread*

Dumont: [Thinking aloud to self. Sighs and shakes head] Oh, what is the point of it all? Yet again, look at what happens.

Jean: [Walks up to the open door while Dumont is speaking and hears him. Concerned and confused] Dumont, are you alright?

Dumont: [Sheepishly] Sorry, I didn’t realize you were here. I was just talking to myself. And… what are you doing here?

Jean: [Holds up cloth bag with bread] I was on my way to drop off some bread. There’s a new baker over by me, and I wanted to see what you thought. But that’s not so important, are you sure everything’s alright?

Dumont: [Pauses for a few seconds, eyes glancing between Jean and the bag] I won’t say it’s alright. Nor can I complain. There’s only so much I can do, after all. [Smiles sadly] I will surely make the most of it, my friend. But alas, I’ve lost my position.

Jean: [Enters house and sets down bag, still concerned] And you would smile at that? After how hard you worked to get that job? [Glances at the door] And you would forget to close your own front door?

Dumont: [Frowns. Looks at door, then Jean, then the bag of bread on the table] Such is life. It will go on. It must. It always has. [Smiles again, clearly not genuine] It’s never let me down.

Jean: My friend, if you saw yourself right now, you would laugh at your attempt to be positive. [Turns around and closes door] Tell me, why were you let go?

Dumont: [Positive demeanor begins to waver] They said I wasn’t performing as well as they’d like. I told them I’m doing the same work I’ve always done, but they said everyone else was doing so much more than me that there’s no reason to keep me around. I asked what more they wanted, and they said there was no point in explaining because I’m being… [hesitates and says slowly and bitterly] relieved... [Grimaces and says again slowly] relieved.

Jean: And this just happened? It’s only two in the afternoon.

Dumont: [Blinks a few times] Two in the afternoon? No, it was this morning.

Jean: [Sighs in frustration. Walks over to Dumont] Dearest Dumont, won’t you ever tell me what’s going on? [Puts hand on Dumont’s shoulder] Sit with me, and we might as well have the bread.

*They go and sit across from each other at the table, Jean takes out a baguette and splits it, handing a piece to Dumont*

Jean: [Seriously] Dumont. Three times now, you’ve been fired. Three times you tell me the same story — that you are fired for underperforming. [Dumont looks down at the table] I don’t care about what happens at these jobs, but you must tell me what’s going on in your life that this keeps happening.

Dumont: [Glances up at Jean, eyes beginning to shimmer. Positive demeanor fades] I don’t know, Jean. I just don’t see the point of it — of anything. I can’t say I have any hopes or dreams or goals. Nothing even going on in my life. My family is dead, and I’m here working dead-end jobs where I make in a year what everyone else makes in a month.

Jean: Surely it’s not about money. Rich or poor, you’re still my friend. The things we do wouldn’t change, would they?

Dumont: [Frowning] No, money’s got nothing to do with it. I’m talking about me: who I even am. I don’t want to work hard because I don’t want to work hard. I want to go out for a walk, go on some trip, spend time with people I care about. I have you, of course, but who else do I care about?

Jean: Are you feeling lonely?

Dumont: [Fiddling with piece of bread] No.

Jean: Are you sad?

Dumont: Honestly? No.

Jean: You’re feeling lost?

Dumont: [After a short pause] I guess so. Just this lack of direction and purpose. If I want to do something but don’t know how, then what am I ever supposed to do?

Jean: Do something like what? I can always offer my help.

Dumont: That’s the problem, isn’t it? Something like being a doctor. And being a publisher. And traveling the world. And sailing a ship. And owning a store. Each one can be a lifetime’s work. [Tears begin to gently flow. Looks up from the table, directly at Jean] And I’m turning thirty with nothing to show for it.

Jean: [Breathes in to speak but stops and thinks for a moment] It doesn’t matter what you have to show, it matters how you feel. I’m thirty-three and nobody could care less who I am. But I have a nice life, what more could I ask for? You simply need to do whatever it is you want to do.

Dumont: [Grows frustrated. Blurts everything out] I understand, but I’m saying I don’t know what I want to do. I want to do everything and nothing at the same time. I’m simultaneously jealous and repulsed by everyone and their lives for absolutely no reason. I care about you, there are other people I care about, but it feels like that doesn’t even matter when every day I’m wishing I could be anywhere and do anything other than I am.

Jean: [Reacts sadly. Answers after thinking again] I wish I knew what to tell you. [Dumont looks down at the table again, fidgeting with the piece of bread] All I can say is that I’ve had my tough times. Where I felt like “this is life,” and that’s all there is to it. And you know what I did? I faked everything about myself for the sake of fitting in and belonging for the sole purpose of going home at the end of the day and being miserable for not being myself. 

Until one day I asked myself who I wanted to be and made the decision to become that person. It took me two dark and painful years where each and every day felt like truly nothing was changing in spite of all my efforts. But after two years, I could look back at where I came from — still feeling like nothing actually changed — but seeing the change. And the hardest part of all that wasn’t making any changes. It was making the decision to start to change. That decision took me an entire lifetime. 

So who am I? What am I? Nothing at all. But at least I can look at you and say that now I’m happy. You can do whatever you want, Dumont. You can do it whenever you want. I know saying all these words won’t change a thing — only you can make the change — I just hope you’ll realize that if you don’t start making changes today, you will never see any progress. Also know that I’m here, whatever you need, whenever. And know that we’ve all been there, too. You can look everyone around you in the eye, and you’ll never know who’s really being themselves.

Dumont: [Softly] I don’t want to be fake.

Jean: Then don’t be. That’s how you’ll find good people.

Dumont: [Looking up] I need a job, though.

Jean: Then care about the job because it gives you a way to interact with the world and the people in it — not because you care about the work.

Dumont: Why can’t things just go well? Like finding a job I care about from the start? because I enjoy it?

Jean: Why anything, Dumont? Why anything at all? The only thing more crazy than this world itself is the fact that we’re living in it as ourselves. Let’s not think about the reasons why. They can’t ever matter.

Dumont: I would still like to know.

Jean: Maybe that’s your problem: you can’t let life simply happen. Let it. Let it, and trust it. Remember how I got my job? Remember how I got my home? I didn’t. I didn’t do anything. Not one single thing. All I did was live my life, being myself, doing what I wanted to do. I didn’t put any effort into this life. Do you understand how utterly profound that is? After making that decision to be myself, after enduring those years of turmoil, all I had to do was sit back and let life happen. And I’ve never been happier. [Pauses briefly, then smiles] And I’ve never had more faith in the universe that everything will always work itself out.

*They sit there for a while, Jean watching Dumont, and Dumont looking down at the piece of bread in his hands*

Dumont: [Looks back up, no longer fidgeting] Well, what now?

Jean: [Laughs] I haven’t the slightest idea, but we can start with a walk.

*Jean and Dumont stand up and exit, leaving the uneaten bread on the table*