Who Is Anyone?

Over the past month or so, I’ve been presented with a new world. Now that I have a place to live and a job, life, as I’ve written, simply happens. Every day is someone new or getting to know someone better. It’s difficult for me in group settings where everyone already knows everyone and I’m the quiet new guy, but it has been a good experience. It shouldn’t really be a surprise, but I’ve been able to witness the depth of people firsthand: we are all the same. It’s fascinating being able to understand the reasons people do what they do and say what they say. For example, there is one person I’ve been trying to figure out for some time. A simple statement here and there, and suddenly they make sense. I can catch it and realize: “This is why they behave the way they do.” Reality “clicks.”

To judge someone would be the worst thing anyone can ever do — without knowing the why. I had a conversation recently with a friend about being nice versus being kind. I would define being nice as doing what you think would be good for someone else for their sake — even at your own mental expense. Whereas being kind is doing what’s best for someone for your own sake — because you want to: it’s second nature. Niceness is saying “I should do this for this person,” kindness is doing it without even thinking about it.

How does one be kind? It requires an appreciation for the depth of people. First and foremost is the understanding that we don’t need to be on the same “level.” Someone can be young and immature, old and wise, or any mix between. It’s all about connection. Stay true to your own personality, but take a few steps in whatever way the other person stands. That’s all it takes. I’ll admit, some people aren’t necessarily interesting or relatable in the way others are, but behind everyone is a very rich story. Wanting to know that story — seeing into their depths — is kindness. Not expecting anything in return is important as well.

The people I like the most are the ones who are open about who they are. The people I like the least are the ones who don’t even know who they are to the point of hiding from themselves out of fear of what they’ll find; those types of people hide behind layers of walls and masks. How do we break down walls? How do we take off masks? The answer is to simply take off yours. I’ve told a few new people that I’m not good at engaging with others. That’s all it takes. Now they understand that I’m doing my best, my mask is off, and they feel the comfort to open up as well if they wish. It welcomes mutual understanding. Not everyone is interested, but that’s perfectly fine. The point here is that it starts with you. Truly, there’s no such thing as a boring person. In fact, finding the reasons why someone is “boring” is fascinating in itself.

There is a major problem, however: the internet. Who someone is online isn’t real. Messaging someone is meaningless. If I read a message and answer it later, that’s not my true response — because I thought of what to say. It isn’t necessarily intentional, either. I’ve answered messages while distracted, too, then read it later and realized I should have said something different. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter, but human connection is not online connection. No matter how close you may be. Perhaps this is to blame for the crumbling world around us. I went to the library a few days ago to study Icelandic and met some really interesting guys. We ended up talking about life and society. I don’t even know their names, I just see them on Saturdays. And how many other people do I know who socialize with strangers? Maybe only a fraction of the people I meet. Meaning that we are disconnected from reality. What is our world if not the “strangers” all around us? But it’s so much easier, so much more comfortable, to send a message online.

The same goes for interacting with the people that we know. I enjoy one-on-one in a conversational environment: a walk, a cafe, a restaurant. Not a party. Not a concert. Not a movie. Not really an event or anything else. There’s nothing wrong with going out to have some fun, but to interact with someone, you’ll never get to know anyone unless you sit and talk… being human. As a young person, I see nobody else doing that. What I see is most often people looking for a reason to spend time together: “Oh, there’s this event happening.” As opposed to, “Let’s grab coffee some time.” Actually, I do see “Let’s grab a beer some time,” and I think that is a very sad degradation of society: that alcohol should be the center of more “pure” interactions. Because in that case, the focus is on the alcohol as opposed to the meetup itself — the truest self is masked away just for the sake of socializing. That’s why I don’t drink: I only ever want to be my full self.

Those of us who wish to break free from societal norms end up feeling lost and isolated. From Schopenhauer to Camus, the sentiment is echoed. It takes one of two forms: “What’s wrong with me?” or “What’s wrong with everyone else?” Both are equally despairing. The few people I’ve talked to in similar situations all agree on two things: outgrowing older friends to the point of isolation and struggling to maintain friendships to the point of isolation. I had a nice conversation with someone yesterday about “success” and “happiness.” We both asked the same: “Are they happy working their high-paying jobs, spending each and every waking moment of their existence working towards money and progress, career advancements and corporate connections?” We both left our unhappy educations to pursue life itself. And thus outgrew our friends. Yes, I can work full time sitting at a desk making money. But I can also live. I would rather make minimum wage here in Iceland at my easy job, living in a small, dingy apartment shared by four other people without so much as a couch than I would go back to my PhD and successful academic career.

I spent all the money I made this past month on rent, food, and an absurdly overpriced writing tablet (because of double VAT plus shipping to Iceland). But I bought it anyway because I want to use it to study Icelandic. I could have saved the money. I could have saved a lot of money by not going to restaurants or cafes, by buying cheaper groceries, etc. However, it’s not about the money. It’s about the fact that I want to learn Icelandic. It’s about the fact that I want to live somewhere where I can walk to work, walk downtown, and walk to the forest. It’s about the fact that I want to live.

So, what good will that retirement fund do you? What good will that nice career do? What’s the point of a nice car, nice clothes, expensive watch, newest phone, prestigious education? If you aren’t living right now, then there is no point. And the best way to live is to seek to understand other people, attempt genuine human connection, and pursue happiness. You can’t go for a walk with your bank account.