Whose Fault Is It?
Who is right? Who is wrong? Who to blame? Who to trust? Who to let in? Who to keep out? I’ve been fortunate to become privy to the private lives of quite a few people since coming to Iceland. Someone asked me an interesting question last week: “What would you least want people to know about you?” It took me a while to think of an answer because I don’t really have any secrets. After all, I write about my life, my thoughts, and my feelings right here. The whole point is to be open about everything. So I replied by telling him that I don’t want people to know about my ideas of Finland because I don’t want people to think I’m actively making plans to leave Iceland. And with my knowledge of others’ lives, I realize that many people keep secrets. And they rarely make sense.
For example, my friend who tried to take her own life: she doesn’t want anyone to know about that. Whereas I am close to someone here in Iceland who did exactly the same thing; except he is open about it and therefore in a much healthier state of mind because he can actually talk to people about it. In fact, a few days ago, I invited a few people to meet — we never talked outside of work before (and I had literally just met one of them). They shared very personal stories, but one was very hesitant to share anything too personal. I have another friend who is exceptionally self conscious regarding opening up. She is a very open person, but only to a select few people. She told me recently about a situation that made our usual group an uncomfortable space to be so open. I respect her thoughts, of course, but I can’t say that I understand them.
When I meet someone new, I always invite them to the library for Icelandic classes, to my writing group, and in some cases, I’ll offer to teach them Icelandic. Most people say no to everything. That’s perfectly fine, but I always wonder why they don’t at least try it out. I have one friend who is very lonely. Yet she won’t agree to do anything. Meanwhile, she overthinks and overthinks and blames other people for keeping her out and away. But whose fault is that? She recently blamed another friend of mine for something that she herself did. It doesn’t make sense to me. The point is to be understanding of her situation — the reasons why she does these things — but this whole idea of seeing other people in a negative way confuses me.
I know someone who does “bad” things. I like and respect him. I spend time with him. I know someone who is a “bad” person. We still hang out. I tell him everything about my life. I like him. I know someone else who everyone tells me to stay away from, yet I never listen because I really don’t care — if I enjoy what I do, then I’ll do it. The important part is maturity. I wrote a lot about maturity previously; it always comes down to “use your brain.” If I have problems with people, I talk to them about it. If I don’t like something, I say something. I know it isn’t easy, and it took me a lifetime of suffering to reach this point, but I’m just another person: exactly the same as anyone else.
On to my point: when anything happens, anything at all, the fault is yours. Obviously, we aren’t at fault for others’ actions, but we are responsible for the outcomes. I don’t care what it is. I don’t care how cruel or unfair it is. The fault is always yours because we have choices. We can choose to be hurt, we can choose to forgive. We can choose to hold grudges, we can choose to move on. It’s up to you. If you want to hate someone, then live your life with hatred and a heavy heart. If you want to know peace, then learn forgiveness. I knew the girl whose actions resulted in my friend killing himself. Would I ever hate her? No, because I understand the situation: two people made mistakes, the end. The same goes for the girl who made me a writer: she put me through one of the most painful experiences of my life, but in the end, it’s alright because I took the time to actually understand her. It certainly wasn’t easy, nor was it fast. It took many difficult months and many mistakes of my own.
I’m tired of hearing “this person did this, and this person did that.” Take responsibility. That certainly doesn’t make the actions of others okay, but it requires true humanity to accept that other people have problems and to be okay with whatever happens. I previously wrote about problems in my life and the things I want. At the end of the day, I am perfectly aware that the things I’m feeling are my fault: I know moving to Finland won’t actually change anything. That doesn’t change how I feel, though. But it’s the awareness that matters. It’s perfectly fine to feel any way at all. So long as you are aware of it and understand why.
Today, for example, I had my worst experience at work by far. A man came in, exceptionally rude, and was belligerent towards me and a colleague for no reason whatsoever, then left. He accomplished quite literally nothing: he said that there are bad taxis. He works for a taxi company. We are already aware that there are bad taxis. I was courteous with him, thanking him for his help after he insulted my intelligence and told my coworker to shut up. Inwardly, I wanted to tell him that the way he treated us was totally uncalled for and ask what his problem is. I didn’t do that because I have a job and want to keep it. However, coming home, I thought about why I was so upset about this man: the real reason is that I feel like I’m not allowed to stand up for myself, be it due to my role at work or simply my upbringing. Now I understand that I was concerned about repercussions if he thought I was rude. Thus, I will henceforth speak up for myself within reason. Lesson learned.
I made peace with the situation because I was able to learn from it. That is my point here: that things will happen, for better and for worse, and we must accept them, learn to live with their consequences, and do everything in our power to learn and grow from these experiences. And the most important thing of all is to never blame another person for anything that happens. I’ll assume the argument against what I say here is that it isn’t fair that we should bear the responsibility of others’ cruelty. I’ll respond by telling you to read The Consolation of Philosophy. What is cruel and unfair may as well serve a purpose. Sadly, I think most people lack self-awareness and common sense. It is much easier to drink, after all.