On Doing What You Want
In all our hearts is yearning and desire. For the mountains. For the sea. For a person. For a life. We long and we yearn, but so rarely do we act. Instead, we look at those around us and tell ourselves lies: they are happy, we say. And we feel wrong to not be the same. But what is the truth behind their smiles? And what happens behind the closed doors of the homes of those we admire…
The Questions I Can’t Answer
When each and every moment and interaction is a lesson, what is the end goal? What is the purpose? The questions are spiritual, religious, or whatever you might label it. But to put it simply, if there were no reason for our existence, then nothing matters — we are blobs of flesh that were never conscious, so we will never be impacted by the going-ons of our lives: we die, the end. But, that is not the case. I can say that, at least, because I am me. Are you you? I should hope so, because I can only speak for myself. The big question here is this: why am I me and not anyone else? In that question is the proof of something more to life, some type of greater meaning or purpose. If I am me, then I am me for a reason because I could so easily have been anybody else…
It Took Me Four Months to Write a Book Description
…I finished the book by February, but I haven’t published it yet even though it is currently May (the 20th as I write this). It turned out that I had a few things wrong. The content of the book is perfectly fine, but I misunderstood the nature of various situations I wrote about. The take-aways are still valid, I simply feel “wrong” myself to or publish a book that contains descriptions of events that I now perceive differently. Were I to fix the book, however, I would need to write an entirely new book. I don’t want to do that: this book is valid. Rather, it is I who has changed. Thus, it has been a very difficult process to reconcile what I wrote…
Who Is Anyone?
Over the past month or so, I’ve been presented with a new world. Now that I have a place to live and a job, life, as I’ve written, simply happens. Every day is someone new or getting to know someone better. It’s difficult for me in group settings where everyone already knows everyone and I’m the quiet new guy, but it has been a good experience. It shouldn’t really be a surprise, but I’ve been able to witness the depth of people firsthand: we are all the same. It’s fascinating being able to understand the reasons people do what they do and say what they say. For example, there is one person I’ve been trying to figure out for some time. A simple statement here and there, and suddenly they make sense. I can catch it and realize: “This is why they behave the way they do.” Reality “clicks”…
Can You Believe That You Can Live? (psychiatrists hate him)
I’ve written quite a lot about the spending of time. For example, the fact that I would rather walk for an hour to go downtown than take the ten-minute bus ride. Or how I walk twenty minutes to work (plus an additional four minutes just so I can take the forest path) rather than riding a bike/scooter or taking the bus. Meanwhile, so many people around me are stressed. “I’m busy” is something I’ve been hearing a lot. Yes, working eight hours a day takes a lot of time and energy. Yes, there is a lot of other “stuff” that needs to be done, other obligations, etc. But are you happy? The answer is usually no. I’m repeating myself yet again, the same topic as always: “Are other people happy?” “No.” That’s not my point, though…
There’s Something Wrong
One year ago, I wrote the following in one of my first ever prose pieces:
The eyes of those upon whom I gazed spoke the words no man would speak. What words I heard showed me visions. Visions of another life. And every movement told a story. Each whisper, a scream.
Was this always so? Before my eyes were opened? Or was I merely blind to the world that runs beneath? Beneath the gaze of others. Beneath the words and whispers. Beneath the sights before me…
Self-Awareness, Depth, & Maturity
To be young. Is it immature? The very idea of maturity is rather difficult to express. Perhaps I would describe it as “handling things well.” Not getting angry. Being forgiving. Being understanding. Being kind and compassionate, even. Qualities that have one common factor: self-awareness…
Life Is Meant to Be Difficult
I wonder if the very reason for things being so difficult – as in not fully “trusting the universe” – is so that we feel the full emotional effect of everything that happens to us: both the ups and the downs. Because it’s easy to tell ourselves that everything will work out in the end. It’s easy to believe that everything is for a reason. But accepting that and trusting that is nearly impossible. I speak only for myself, though…
Life Happens
For my entire life, the idea of “living a life” has always seemed like a far-away problem — a matter for tomorrow. Each period of my life was lived for the next: what I did in high school was for undergrad; what I did in undergrad was for grad school; what I did in grad school was for being a professor… and I would become a professor, my end goal, but then what? All the while, I was not happy. My entire life was dedicated to math and computer science. I started this path at the age of 16. How was I supposed to know anything at 16 years old? So I kept trudging onwards, expecting life to simply happen…
How to Fix a Broken World
The fact that we live in a broken world is undeniable. Perhaps the biggest problem is the matter of the individual: “What can I alone do to make a change?” There are two paths forward in a broken world. The first is anarchy and rebellion. The second is systematic change. While the first option would certainly be exciting, what this world needs is change. This begs two questions, however: what needs to change, and how do we change it…
There Is No Future Without Hope
The following is my speech given at The First Meeting of the Public of Russia and the USA held by Committee 2017 in Istanbul on November 7, 2023. Please keep in mind the context of the speech and the fact that the message is a call for change — nothing is intended to be political…
Humans, Humanity, and Suffering
This past year, I have been shown a prevalent aspect of this world that was never quite so personal in the past. Since having gained perspective from the events of my time in Iceland, I now see too often what I’ve always only wondered about: suffering. Suffering doesn’t mean endless sadness or despair, though that is certainly included. I’m specifically referring to general unhappiness or hopelessness…
The Search Part 3 — Is Everything for a Reason?
A lot happened in Hveragerði. A lot also didn’t happen. I was there for two weeks. I didn’t actually want to stay there when the time came, but Iceland has a housing crisis. If I canceled that stay, my only other choice would have been to leave the country. I had booked an apartment in Kópavogur for a month (basically Reykjavík), and I knew I wanted to be in a place with more people and more going on. But I had two weeks in Hveragerði to get through first…
The Search Part 2 — Writing in Iceland
Earlier in the year, before my move to Iceland, I read Factotum by Charles Bukowski. It was a strange book, but I ended up learning that he also wrote poetry. Bukowski was quite the character, as personified in his books, so I was curious as to what his poems were about. The first poem I read, I Have This New Room, stood out to me. This was my first time engaging with poetry, and I was impressed by its ability to express so much in so few words…
The Search Part 1 — Academia
In my career, I have done a little bit of everything.
Professionally, I have degrees in computer science and math. I started my PhD in computer graphics. I developed desktop apps and mobile apps. I worked in machine learning and published papers on biodiagnostics – work that my university selected me as a "World Changer" for, showcasing me on promotional material and nominating me for scholarships…